9PM, 1/6 - fragments
- most recently: god revealed to me that i was not wholeheartedly willing to live for him. not wholeheartedly willing to listen and obey him. i wanted him to be god but not my god. did i really want to hear his voice? no, because what if i had to obey? i was hoping to get away with a lot of things.
- i've learned a lot about experiencing god as an intimate personal presence in my life. definitely learned in 2024 that i experienced god as an object, and at worse, as an abstract idea for discussion. god (unfortunately, but happily) has intruded into my life and made his presence known. god sees me as "you." god pays attention to me. at every moment, i exist in god's attention.
- thank god for twitter, for h.l. griffin, and for the immanuel approach. really is filling in a lot of gaps in my understanding of prayer and connection with god
- i honestly can't handle shadow work. i hate looking at the ugly parts of myself. i hate feeling like i'm a fake, that i'm a fraud, that everything good about me is a lie covering something uglier. it makes me feel so hopeless. and yet it feels true. i hope i'm not so ugly. but i'm very lucky to learn a lot from IFS, from curious compassion, from heidi priebe, and from immanuel approach about not being afraid. don't be afraid. don't be afraid. god is in it. god is in it.