idek why im sad

i have some ideas

had a team meeting (we're developing a game) and maybe i just still feel a little awkward? anyway one team member [A] had a new idea which is similar to an idea i had and mentioned to mutammim a few weeks ago

and when i had that good idea i explicitly thought "hm if [team member A] had this idea she would probably try to build it"

but to mutammim i just said "lol i wish something like this existed" (i.e. i wish someone else built this)

and when i said i had a similar idea [A] teased me and said "well thats the difference between founders and you." and i know she was just teasing.

maybe i'm just sad bc its like oh i can have good ideas but no gumption to go after them?

its okay i was rly happy earlier last night and this morning

i think mostly i get in my head abt planning things?

and like actualizing things

like wanting to figure out ahead of time how to make it work

and never starting

yeah :) im rly proud of my bday party

i think im actually in like a second order sadness

im sad abt being sad LOL

like i feel silly for feeling sad

i think it just makes me think of what ive felt abt opportunities i wasnt ambitious enough for and i let go

like: publishing research articles in journals, continuing with the research fellowship i quit, being a research assistant for that professor who asked me in fourth year of undergrad

yeah i just dont believe in my ability to make things work

like im happy with my life!

but like, i guess it just makes me sad to think abt what i could have experienced if i didnt count myself out

i just feel rly silly bc i guess [A] is so smart and has such good ideas and i want to prove myself to her almost?

it also activates the feeling of like responsibility of like

sometimes u realize u are the difference btwn something happening and it not

and the # of things i could have made happen but didnt